Friday, July 31, 2009

I'm shaken, then I'm still. When your eyes meet mine I lose simple skills, like to tell you, all I want is now.

The Ugly Truth.

Well here it is. The new Gerard Butler film comes out on August 5th in Ireland and makes me incredibly anxious. I'm leaving on the 5th and all over town - buses and bus stops, on street posters plastered everywhere - Katherine Heigl is beaming down at me as IN CINEMAS AUGUST 5th burns into my eyeballs in red and white block letters. I dread the arrival of that film as much as I dread the expiration date on the milk in my fridge: AUG 5. NO GODDAMMIT!! I can't escape it anymore, that miserable bitch called reality is well on her way to yank me out of my Irish oasis.

I'm thriving over here. I'm scared of going home and leaving the person I've become in Ireland. I don't want things to change. I account for the fact that I am romanticizing a bit now that it is all coming to a close. In fairness Dublin wasn't always a paradise, I had a span of days (ironically during the nicest stretch of weather I've seen here) where I was in a horrible funk, like treading in quicksand and I couldn't get out. But like all things, it passed, and life here elevated back to its normal level: ALWAYS AWESOME. (or LEGEN-wait for it-DARY!)

It's hard to find words to express my feelings about leaving. I'm thrilled at the prospect of seeing my family and friends, I'm super excited to go back to Rutgers and live with the G-UNIT ladies. I'm so lucky to have such a fantastic group of people to return home to, it makes leaving much easier. At the same time, I feel like I am literally being torn away from my home in having to leave. I'm scared that I won't ever be as happy as I was here, that I will only look back nostalgically and think "those were the days." In truth I fear this so much that I am in my mind already subconsciously engineering some framework where I can come back here after graduation. Who knows.

In my last few days, my mind and heart are overwhelmed in the effort of trying to tie up the loose ends of my life here as much as I can. I hope I can get some closure in this (probably futile) effort to soften the blow of leaving. If I sit still too long, or look out on the Liffey, or read in Merrion Sq Park, or sit outside a cafe on the Quays, or any dozen other things that I love doing here, I become overcome with the fact that I have to leave. I've been keeping active, distracted, going out, being exhausted at night, because in slowing things down and taking it in, a lump forms in my throat and I get upset and panicky at once.


I'm having a staring contest with my empty suitcases and I just blinked out a tear. Time to start packing.

On a less melodramatic note, there's been a swine flu outbreak in my uni and 7 foreign exchange students are being quarantined in the residences right next to me. I've been trying to figure out which one out of curiosity, and there is a building right near my own that has been blasting dance music for a few hours. I think it's that one. Definitely the most exclusive party on campus at the moment. Swine time!!


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