Sunday, September 13, 2009

This sucks.

About that grass...

I really dislike this recent oscillation of my mental state. One day I'm thrilled to be prowling around New Breezy, the next day I am muttering incendiary obscenities under my breath about how I hate this place. Not very fun.

Don't worry, my friends assure me: "The grass is always greener on the other side."

I smile at them and agree. Unfortunately they are all too correct: The grass is greener, in Ireland.

Womp womp.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

"Where and when does this 'real world' occur?"

Trying not to speak too soon.

I feel intellectually invigorated in an unprecedented way.
(Touch wood).

If my academic progress is an annual race then this year I feel I will PB. A bit ironic as well, since "Senioritis" is already settling in as I indulge in too many happy hours that lead to happier nights and proportionally horrible hangovers in the morning.

Despite this lapse, I have a new awareness, a new drive. I see more clearly not what I want to be doing, per se, but where I want to be. I feel like I have something tangible now to work towards, even though it still is undefined. Roughly tangible, at least - a simple sketch of where I hope to be in the portrait of my future. I am cautious to acknowledge this recent flexing of my academic muscles, in fear that doing so will make it fleeting. It does beg the question: Where is this coming from? I can only think of 2 main catalysts:

1.) Perhaps it's the guilty hangover from the jack-shit that I did in Ireland. (Speaking through academic standards and talking GPAs - in all other aspects - all others, I feel like Ireland was the best decision and greatest expereince of my life. In many ways since being home, I feel like my former self, but on steriods: more confident, more aware, more perceptive, more assertive, stronger, more sensitive...all brilliant things if they actually manifest themselves within me for the rest of my life. I think and hope they will). Correction then: Intellectual stimulation due to my academically-unfulfilled hangover but moreso due to the growth I attribute to being abroad, which far surpasses any grief I have over flimsy grades.
[Disclaimer: I am not actually on steroids.]


2.) Perhaps it's seeing my GPA in a new light, a bit banged up in comparison to the squeaky-clean graduates whom will soon be my "competition" in this hard-hitting-recession-conscious "real world" I'm apparently being thrust into in 9 months. That diploma might as well be an eviction notice from the fun-house called "College" that has been my home since 2006. As if to say, "You've had your fun, now get out....Leave your keys and your tap for the keg for the next guys...Thanks...and your funnel too." I love college - what other paradise would promote both alcoholism and intellectualism in the same setting? It's a surreal bubble in the timeline of a life, and when it pops, we are thrust out into this "real world" that has been conducting itself around us while we live by different rules. I know the real world isn't how it used to be. It's harsher now than ever....Thus, since I see the storm clouds on the horizon, I am motivated to work harder and am driven toward the future in hopes to be as armed as possible against the beastly (He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named) R********.


I think about why I am not more concerned with that lurking real world. After doing so, I become more satisfied with response #1, and in no way #2.

I am my own worst resume.

Here's why it's not #2. At the end of the day, I throw it all out the window. I am in competition with no one. This is probably the reason I have such an issue pumping up my resume. Looking over it myself, I wouldn't want to hire me. I sound like an arrogant douche, with a pompous sense of entitlement to match. However, I am told that everyone assembles their resume in this manner. That I have to, otherwise I'll be left in the dust, with no chance of getting a job. But what if I don't even want to play this game? Would you call me lazy?

Are we all really projecting ourselves to the extremity that we polish and present the ambitious and most obnoxious forms of ourselves? Is that who we are? May the most obnoxious-arrogant douche win? Win what? A bright future anndddd....a brand new car!??! (Exactly, actually).

This makes me ponder and draw the obvious conclusion given my framework. The bigger the "douche", the bigger the reward - ambition on overdrive will lead to success. What about excess? When is ambition too much, and why can't we as a society practice self-control over all the goodies being shoved in our faces? (We don't need them!) The "American Dream" is is NOT exemplified by the sumptuousness of the mansions on MTV Cribs. What's sick is that we are taught to want to live like these largely talentless and ill-informed (would stupid be too harsh?) celebrities, and they become the poster boys/whores of our popular culture. Consume, consume, consume.

I think that behind the "qualified" graduates that churn out of colleges annually like factory products (and clamor and fight each other to suck the corporate teet) are people whom aren't their resume, may not even feel a connection to the people represented on them. People that don't know what they want, but they are conditioned to know they want money. As much of it as possible. To buy things. To be happy. Flat screens swallowing entire rooms. I want the toys. I want the job. I want those toys.

I see these as distractions from the core and unforgiving truth: We exist in aimlessness, over-saturated with material things to pacify the chaos in our minds. Do we graduate with a more defined sense of self? Or do we graduate with a dull mind, conditioned like machinery to click and scroll and process information that we have no personal connection too?

Blah blah...Who cares? I have an iPod that can have all the music I could ever desire in my past, present, and future lives - that can show movies so I don't get bored on the train...Or when I'm walking. Or when I'm breathing. Or in those brief moments at night where I am in the twilight of sleep.

Ranting stops here. I don't understand this world I live in and I don't know what I want from it. For all my bitching, I have a 64 inch HD screen at home and I watch it all the time. The goodies are nice. I'm enraptured within this crazy world, the good and bad. But within me I feel strongly that something isn't right, and the world is moving too fast to stop and correct the path we're on.

"This isn't life, it's just stuff. And it's become more important to you than living."
- American Beauty

But like I said, #1. Definitely. #1.